the cover letter i WISH i could submit

dear firm x,

i am not enrolled in wharton or stern. i am not a finance major, or even a math or economics major. while we're laying it all out on the table, i should probably also add that i have little to no experience, and only the vaguest of ideas about what "strategic management consulting" actually entails.

that being said, i find the prospect of earning a six-figure salary right out of college extremely appealing. also, i can say the alphabet backwards, and totally make my tongue into that cool four-leaf clover shape, an ability i'm pretty sure is genetically determined. which must mean i was destined for greatness. right? my mother seems to think so, anyway.

hire me please,
[insert fancily signed legal name here]